


Survival Tips for Civilians Commanded by Col. Jack O'Neill, By Dr. Daniel Jackson

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:33:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel decides it is time to write a list of survival skills for all civilian personnel being commanded by Colonel Jack O'Neill in the field. Especially after he read the list of requirements Jack wrote about him.





	Survival Tips for Civilians Commanded by Col. Jack O'Neill, By Dr. Daniel Jackson

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

DRAFT

To: All Employees in the Department of Archeo-Linguistics   
From: Dr. Daniel Jackson, PhD3  
RE: Survival Tips for Civilians Commanded by Col. Jack O'Neill

 

All of you have been asking me to provide you with a "Colonel Jack O'Neill For Dummies" manual for a while. To ease the frankly almost hysterical level of fear involving those scheduled for fieldwork with Jack, here it is. Make sure you take notes, as this will also involve an hour lecture within a week after this manual is approved by the chain of command. The test will be as difficult as your dissertation defense.

1\. The first and absolutely top thing you must know to appease the walking legend that is Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, is this: Jack doesn't suffer fools gladly. Actually, Jack doesn't suffer anyone gladly, especially if that person involves a change in status. Jack is very set in his ways (kind of like a hippopotamus stuck in a mud wallow) and doesn't like changes in general. He especially doesn't like it when his team members are replaced. The top thing that can put Jack off his feed is when his civilian consultant is switched. That's me, by the way. If you find yourself in this situation, then you need to do several things to minimize the punishment you will receive:

a. Don't assume that since Jack is a Colonel in the Air Force, he should understand your topic the way one of us would. Yes, Air Force officers are required to get a Masters degree to be promoted to Colonel. Jack does have a Masters degree, in Astronomy, actually. Follow this rule, and you should be okay. When you explain things to him, do it as you would if you wrote it in an "Archeology For Dummies" book. Or, even better, use Dr. Seuss-like sentences. I'll give you an example: "Colonel, the Mayans ate hearts that were still beating, just to have something for eating" makes a good explanation for the predilection of the Mayan priesthood to sacrifice people by cutting their living hearts out and eating them raw as a sign of ingesting the strength of the sacrifice. 

b. Jack isn't dumb, even though he acts like it a lot. Be sure that you do have all the facts ready when you give the watered-down explanation. Just to throw you off, he's likely to ask an intelligent question that will make you think. Don't answer it with a lot of verbiage, come straight to the point when you do, preferably yes or no answers. But be prepared for it, cause he will try to test you a lot while he commands you.

c. When it comes to combat situations, do exactly as the Colonel orders. He will keep you alive if you do. If you don't and you live through the situation, he will kill you himself, in all likelyhood. Or he will have you thrown out of the SGC. I'm the only one who can get away with disobeying Jack, because he forgives me anything.

d. Don't take anything Jack says personally. Like I am always saying, he's just intimidated because you're way smarter than he is. Oh, and he resents you because you're not me. Don't worry about that, it's a Jack thing.

2\. Your job when you are out with the military teams is to give them the benefit of your knowledge and to think outside the (extremely narrow) military box. If you feel strongly about a situation, you need to firmly state your opinion. There is a time and place, however, to do this. Do not stop to state your opinion after the first shot has been fired. This annoys Jack. Trust me, you don't want to see an annoyed Jack (yes, he does have other moods than annoyed, he just doesn't show them very often). When disagreeing with him, remember to keep your voice low and non-threatening (imagine that you are talking to an enraged pit-bull, that works for me when he's gone special ops on me). Be respectful. There is a big difference between "Colonel O'Neill, if you frown again like that at that priest, he will perceive it as a challenge to his authority and cut out your heart. I suggest you keep your eyes lowered as though respectful." And "O'Neill, for gods' sake, don't growl like that again, or we're all going to be missing our hearts. Act like a diplomat, not a Rottweiler for once." The latter comment will *not* go down well, I can tell you, no matter how true it is. 

3\. Related to item 2 above, remember that Jack does not do constructive criticism well. He is used to being obeyed with alacrity, not questioned. Since it is our job to question him, it puts us in a rather uncomfortable position pretty often. Deal with it. That's why they pay us the big bucks. Why do you think that every civilian that goes out with O'Neill gets hazard-duty pay? Being Jaffa fodder has nothing to do with it.

4\. When Jack tells you to watch his six, that means to stay at his back and make sure no one sneaks up on you. That does not mean to admire O'Neill's butt. Even if it is a ten on a scale of five, keep your eyes off of it and on the area behind the two of you.

5\. If it is time to go, and you need a little more time to work at the site, these things work for me: I look at him from under my eyelashes and lick my lips. I sigh and look as though Santa Clause didn't leave me a present. Jack's a sucker numero uno for that one. I ask Major Carter to back my request for more time. Jack sometimes listens to her. Oh, and use the carrot bait of possible alien technology being found if you get to stay. Do that sparely, though, and make sure that you can back it up. He is not dumb, and he's a master at seeing through lies.

6\. Jack is Air Force Special Ops trained. That means that he knows many, many ways to kill people. It also means that he's a good man to have protecting you in a firefight. What it doesn't mean is that he would make a cheap research assistant at a safe site. Do not ask him to sift dirt or hold your flashlight, or he might use his skills on you. 

7\. Don't be surprised if Jack makes bad jokes at the worst times. It's his way of dealing with stress. You can pretend to be amused by them, which he'd like. Don't bother getting shocked by the tastelessness of most of them. It's just the way he is.

8\. To enhance your survival in the field, offer to cook when it is Jack's turn. If he insists on cooking, tell him you love MREs, and this is a good opportunity for you to try the ham and eggs (or whatever). He'll think you're weird, but he won't make you eat his cooking.

9\. Expect to be interrupted every fifteen minutes or less when you are surveying a site. The kind of questions will be things like, "What'cha doing?" or "What's that thingie there?". Jack isn't asking them because he's interested or because he wants an answer. He's asking them because he's bored. 

Colonel Jack O'Neill gets bored easily. His attention span varies, but I'd say the average time you'll have before he gets bored and asks another pointless question is fifteen minutes. Get used to it. It's the way he is.

10\. Try to arrange to share a tent with Major Carter or Teal'c if you can, rather than Jack. That's because Jack is a major snuggler. Even if he is dressed in full arctic gear and in a separate sleeping bag, somehow he will manage to end up in yours. If that happens, you'll have to deal with me when you get back. I don't share. Also, he snores. Loudly. He will blame you for the snoring in the morning. 

11\. Related to item ten above, Jack often suffers from a sensitive stomach in the field. Even though they are uncomfortable, if you end up sharing a tent with him, bring along an organic vapor filter respirator. You'll thank me for it, trust me.

12\. Get up when Jack calls reveille in the morning. Don't ignore him and oversleep. He will pull the tent down around you.

13\. Colonel Jack O'Neill is difficult, grouchy, sarcastic, and rude. He is also brave to a fault, loyal, funny, and an honest-to-goodness hero. He never leaves a team member behind. He expects a lot out of you, but he will risk his life to keep you safe or to rescue you if the situation calls for it. Jack expects the best out of his team, and won't settle for less. If you don't plan to give it when you are out there on another world, then I suggest you resign now. Because if something happens to him due to your screw up, then you will have to deal with *me* when you get back. Trust me, you'd rather deal with Jack, any day.

Signed,

Dr. Daniel Jackson


End file.
